GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
