Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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