My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
