3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
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Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
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Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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