I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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