My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Randomize
