i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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