Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
