Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
