Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
