Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
