i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
