my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
