This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
