I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
