Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
