my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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