I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
