We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So apparently I’m into choking now
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
