When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
