I accidentally burped into my bong.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I want to be your penis for a week.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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