I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
