btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
