i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
