Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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