It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I think I sprained my soul last night
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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