I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
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