ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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