so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
