maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
