What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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