Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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