If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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