Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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