life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
