8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
