You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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