Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I wish I could punch you in the face.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
