who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
