I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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