Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
