I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Randomize
