Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
