ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
