I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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