Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
