vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
