How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I wish there were birth control emojis
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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