my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
