mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
