If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He shit in the fireplace
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