You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
