i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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