Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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