I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
