so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
